It is said that he lives at the North Pole and travels on a sledge. However, it is highly questionable whether this is true. There are too many contradictory factors. For example, it seems to be a huge logistical effort to transport the presents and the associated paper and packaging material there so that it can be prepared by the Christmas elves, according to the Anglo-Saxon version, and transformed into pretty presents - all for the dear little children. Then the reindeer team, together with the white old man, have to get the whole story out to the people. You can just about imagine what animal welfare has to say about all this stress. The fact is, the story is controversial and we at Zwischengas, who specialize in investigative journalism, wanted to finally get some clarity. Coincidence played into our hands.
Zwischengas has received mail
The editorial team at Zwischengas has been working on the issue for some time. Some editors have been talking about nothing but Christmas since the summer. To the annoyance of the boss, some draw lines on their desks with a marker. For some, the Christ Child is supposed to bring an engine, for others an exhaust silencer, for others a little less stress and more time for their own projects.
What do you mean? "Christ child"? Yes, here we already have the dilemma: who is it who - or that? - brings the presents? We have agreed that it has to be both of them, because otherwise the effort would be impossible to manage. And a Christ Child dropping a 4.8-liter cast iron engine from the 1920s would probably be a gross mischief.
Now we received a letter in November saying that Santa Claus had heard that the editorial team was looking into the essential core questions, but couldn't find a conclusive answer: Does Santa Claus exist and how does he really get around? And what about the Christ Child? The sender of the letter was none other than Santa Claus himself.
Conspiratorial meeting above the clouds
They wanted to meet, it said. Preferably just to the left, in the parking lot above the winter clouds. We didn't need to worry, Santa knew that we didn't particularly enjoy public transport, so no Christmas train or fairy tale streetcar or anything like that. We should just take a car. No sooner said than done! So there we were in the middle of December in the parking lot, very-very just above the clouds, and lo and behold, Santa Claus came roaring around the corner. He got out, shook our hands and said there were a few things to sort out.
Animal welfare had long since advised him to do without the reindeer. They are now only used for show purposes, but the gang mainly hangs around and makes comments, for example about the outfit of their "old man", which they described as terribly old-fashioned with its red and white basic design and fur edges. Of course there are elves, said Santa Claus in response to our question, they had to use a crane to maneuver the darned engine around, after all, you can't do magic, not even they, the Christmas elves. But the rear silencer was now OK, they had given the supplier a few nightmares in his sleep, now he had rebelled and finally pinched himself in the - we'll spare the exact words here in favor of Santa's dignity.
Secret meeting place above the clouds
The special elf
Santa has addressed many issues: Reindeer food had become more expensive again, but he hadn't received any speeding fines for years. And of course the North Pole thing is complete nonsense, Santa's headquarters are in a run-down warehouse in the port of Rotterdam, where most of the Chinese plastic toys that children want today come from. This makes the logistics easier to handle. And very special elves are responsible for the deliveries, but it is no longer so easy to get them. They haven't been made for more than 50 years because, we could hardly believe it, Santa Claus had driven up in a tiny little old British car. Now he was standing there and what we initially interpreted as rust trickling down turned out on closer inspection to be stardust, shining gold and scattered on the ground under the car.
That's right, the car! It's a Riley Elf! We now have scientific proof of this and can also say that Santa is a gear-head, because his car is an automatic, as one of the editors was astonished to discover. Santa then kicked the left front wheel with his heavy boots and said that the manual version would have been impossible to master with his big knobbly feet, that he likes to drive like a wild man and shift the gears to the max, but for reasons of common sense he would have opted for the automatic version.
As experts as we are, we supported him in his decision and confirmed that he was right. Then Santa started talking about a 998 cm3 BMC A engine, Hydrolastic springs from 1966 and things like that, whereupon we had to put the brakes on him a little, because we hadn't come to discuss technology. But Mr. Santa insisted on explaining the technical advantages of his car to us. The engine had a brute 38 reindeer, maybe even more, he said, not realizing that the horned fur-bearers had completely different characteristics to horses, the latter being quite sissy and constantly getting red noses during a sled test. We asked about Rudolf, the reindeer with the same red nose, but Santa ignored our comment and stayed in his car.
The fan shares his enthusiasm
He shared our opinion that his 1968 Riley Elf had a color scheme that took some getting used to. The fact that the car never looks like it has a consistent color, sometimes the doors look a little lighter, sometimes the fenders, is due to the fact that his paint elves didn't knock the stardust out of their coats and it got into the paint can. On the other hand, the original leather in the interior and the walnut-covered dashboard are flawless. We wanted to point out that with walnut wood, care is taken to use only veneers without knotholes, but that seemed like a smart-ass remark to the old man in the red jerkin. He was now in top form, talking about the Lucas toggle switches, but he didn't know which one was for which purpose. "Weihnachty" never forgets which child did or missed what and when, but otherwise he is a forgetful scatterbrain. And the owner of the Riley insisted that we take his company car for a test drive.
Santa Claus with superior - er - strength
We could have said it straight away, the first few meters we drove ourselves confirmed our suspicions: they are horses after all, not reindeer! And they really pull themselves together. But we spared ourselves the comment about long strokes and things like that. Meanwhile, the automatic gearbox shifted up perfectly in the D position and occasionally down again. Santa Claus is a jovial fellow and his car radiates this. But the Riley drives, quite well in fact. It's amazing how it manages to land precisely on the roofs with these brakes! First of all: it remained a secret. But that's really the only thing that remained hidden from us during this encounter. Everything else was completely cleared up. For example, the fact that the car smells slightly of burnt gingerbread when the accelerator is released ...
In our editorial office, we can now get back to the important things: Do coffee cups have to go in the dishwasher every evening or should they only go in when there's not a single one left in the cupboard and the leftover coffee from the dirty cups is already as hard as concrete?
We happily said goodbye and reviewed the information from Santa Claus: From 1961 to 1969, the Riley Elf was built by BMC in three series. It was the last model with the traditional name. As the Wolseley Hornet, the "Mini with a trunk" was then history in 1970.
Back at the editorial office, we were soon disillusioned: the Christ Child had also written to us and told us in his letter that our Santa Claus information was nonsense: a warehouse in Rotterdam, that was completely absurd, people order everything online from Temu these days!
Well, and so the editorial team stands there and wonders. What's more, shortly afterwards we found Santa's car for sale at a well-known Zurich car dealer.
This raises a dark suspicion? Were we being fibbed to? Did Santa take advantage of our naivety and pull the wool over our eyes? It all sounded so reasonable - and the Riley Elf drove like a dream...